Sunday, September 23, 2012

Being Good at Mario "Power" Tennis is Nothing to Brag About Zach

This is an open letter to  my ass of a roommate, Zach Rollins:

Dearest Zach,

Being good at Mario Power Tennis is nothing to brag about Zach. It is a silly and simple game, and being good at it makes you the loser. Not me. You!... loser.

First off, you own it, which means you payed 50 bucks for a bubbly piece of infantile garbage game. Its not even a classic like the original Mario Tennis, its just a more polygonal version of its predecessor.  (that means its got more shapes, ya dodo.) Second off, its your Gamecube game that we played on your Wii. Which means you own both a Gamecube and a Wii. How old are we? 7? You're twenty-one now Zach, its time to put the toys away and upgrade to actual human interaction, let alone an Xbox360. Third, the game only uses two buttons for christ's sake. Two! I could play this game with my toes, thats how simple the controls are. I know, I know, back in the day game-consoles only had two buttons, and those games were pretty difficult, but this is a two button game on an 8 button controller meaning its a quarter of the difficulty of regular games. So being good at it and practicing at it just so you can beat your casual gaming roommate is not even an achievement. Why not devote your energy to mastering a more difficult and rewarding game like, I don't know... actual tennis?

Sure I may be a "bitter person" that has to "dismiss a videogame" as "simplistic and childish" just to make himself "feel better" about the fact that he "can't win" at Mario Power Tennis. And so what if I'm so "self-conscious" that I have to "publicly ridicule" your existence on a "class blog" in order to sustain a "false sense of self-worth" and minimize my "personal inadequacies." But does that make me a loser?  No, it makes you the loser because you are the one who brags about your non-skill of being good at an E for Everyone, Babies 'R' Us Nintendo video game. So shut-up about it already!

Royally yours,

Nick Drew

P.S. I will destroy you at Mario Golf  Toadstool Tour

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